Bound & Broken
I am blessed.
I am healthy.
I have a magnificent child.
I have a loving, faithful husband who cherishes me.
I am well-employed.
Why do I feel so bound? So broken? Husband says many planets are in retrograde and the world is feeling it. Maybe that's true- I can't answer for the world.
A sad thing happened yesterday with old friends and new as well as family drama both old and new.
People I love- divided over the basic fact I learned in Kindergarten- "It's not okay to hurt people."
I am bound by what I can't say because it violates the very principle I am trying to stand behind. "It's not okay to hurt people."
I am bound by obligations awarded to me with an honorable title- however disregarded.
I am bound by professional courtesy.
How am I supposed to protect myself, my beliefs, my personal boundaries when I am so bound? and more importantly, why do I feel guilty about it?
The guilt weighs heavily on my heart. My tears flow- each one with a name. I do so much for others and so little for myself. I use words to protect myself- they probably should be actions instead. But I am a writer- so I write.
Part of me loves to believe that I have few fucks left to give- but that isn't really true. If it was, I would not feel saddened by the hateful and hurtful words and actions of others. I feel them deeply and haven't quite figured out a way to make like Taylor and Shake Them Off.
I showered and wanted to watch it all swirl around the drain, yet it clings. I move into the sunshine, yet the cloud hovers. If this is all about the astrology, I will feel free-er tomorrow. If it's not, I'll have to figure something else out before I make this broken place my new digs.