I wish I was one of those people that was okay with blaming others for their constant life drama and private pain. It's got to be easier than my way. My way involves in depth self-loathing and creating an aura of misery that follows me around like Pigpen's dust cloud.
Somehow I seem to manage to turn everything around so that its my fault.
I broke my finger. I guess its my fault but I don't know how I did it so I just deal with another ruined summer.
I was laid off from my job. I could say "that company sucks and they made a huge mistake" but instead I know in my heart that I was mentally done and haven't been giving it my all for awhile now. I stopped being the "Rah Rah" girl that always dotted her I's and crossed her T's years ago from being beaten down with redundant processes, overwhelming reporting and never ending bureacracy.
Daddy died. Could I have done something differently? Was it better for him to be happy at me and die too soon? Or have him angry at me for trying to get him to live cleaner/healthier and have him here longer? Not my fault ultimately but that doesn't mean I couldn't have done more.
Mommy died. See above.
No one will love me the way they did and now they are gone and that love is over.
I can't control that these events happened but I can contol how I choose to deal with them. I could choose to grieve and move on but I don't. I could choose to embrace those who are left and treat them like gold and do MORE but I don't do that either. I am loathesome. I look for that Hanging Tree that JLaw sings about so hauntingly. I want to give myself to it.
I wait for something to happen to remind me that I am not alone. That God hasn't forgotten about me. That my parents love endures. I want the phone to ring with the unexpected. I want to find the Hanging Tree, walk up to it say "No Thank You" and pass it by without looking back.